So, it’s been a month since my last post. That is definitely not within my once a week standards I have promised, but honestly I’ve been a little all over the place lately and I needed to some time for self reflection.
I often struggle with the concept of posting and sharing my world with anyone to see. I love to write and share my stories with whoever happens to stumble into my little corner of the internet. I love seeing all of my awesome viewers from around the world; I literally become emotional over it at times. It truly means the world to me that my rants and attempts to help others have been accepted rather than resulting in me being booted from the internet and blogging world as I half expected. It is seriously a dream come true on its own and I’m so so grateful.
On the other hand, I am a very private person. I do not share my inner world with many. I often keep people at an arms distance, even those that I have known for most of my life. I’m very self critical and self conscious, which causes me to endlessly overanalyze every experience and interaction. After posting and sharing, I immediately go into freak out mode and have to hide away from the internet, usually retreating to my bed to hide under the covers. It’s a tough thing to overcome and some days are better than others for me. This past month, I wasn’t able to overcome those obstacles. Mix all of this in with my summertime laziness and I couldn’t resist hiding away from the internet for a while.
Have you ever sat down and analyzed the parts of you that make us who you are? Every so often I like to take time to sit down with myself and contemplate where I am in life, who I am as a person, and where I want to be heading. Lately I can’t help but feel a little isolated from the world. The familiar angsty feelings of high school and feeling like sometimes no one really gets me began to creep in. I wondered if my traits that held me back in life were truly part of me or walls I have put up at some point in my life in order to protect myself.
In order to figure this out, I took to the internet and decided to take a personality test. I had taken one during a summer camp in high school, but I decided that maybe this would be the key to figuring out where I fit in the world in a way. I took multiple tests because I did not want there to be any errors, but found the www.16personalities.com website to be the most informing. The results were in. I tested in as an INFP.
As I read the description of the INFP personality, a wave of relief came over me. It kind of felt nice to feel a little understood. I pored over the articles explaining my personality’s strengths and weaknesses. It was pretty accurate, minus a few minor details, and made me feel a little less crazy than I have been feeling as of late.
Reading through the strengths and weaknesses I saw the titles of “idealistic”, “open minded”, and “seek and value harmony” as a few of the strengths titles and had to toot my own horn for a minute. Then looking at the weaknesses I saw, “takes things personally” and “difficult to get to know” and had to acknowledge these things as a part of myself too. I thought back to many times when my friendships had ended because I just couldn’t really let that other person in and felt a tinge of sadness.
It’s an odd thing to really confront and analyze the parts of ourselves that make us tick. Truthfully, I have really learned to love myself over the years. I love my quirks and parts of me that make me my ridiculous self. But there are times in life when we must also address those things that hold us back. When we find that we aren’t happy or fulfilled in certain aspects of our lives and know that it is our own doing. I don’t think that the personality test should be considered a “be all end all” of how things will go for you. I like to see it as a blue print and a way to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. Strengths should be utilized and weaknesses should be challenged.
There is an old Cherokee folk story often called Two Wolves. In the story it is explained that inside each of us there is a white and black wolf fighting. The white wolf symbolizes joy, peace, and love. The black wolf symbolizes greed, envy, and anger. In the short version it is explained that the battle rages on endlessly, but the one that wins is the “one that you feed”. I think this is a great way to look at things, but not perfect. In the longer version it is explained that they both must be fed correctly. If the white one is only fed, the black wolf will still be lurking and waiting for its chance to attack the white wolf. If we feed them both, however, we begin to recognize that the black wolf has wonderful qualities such as courage and tenacity, qualities that the white wolf lacks. If we can acknowledge and give attention to both sides of ourselves, the war will cease and peace will prevail.
I really love this story and the way it beautifully explains the battles we face every day. Yes, we all have our strengths that help us along in life, but let us not forget our weaknesses. It is our weaknesses which keep us growing and challenge us each day. Let us not forget that being challenged and overcoming these obstacles is what life is all about. Never become too comfortable with your strengths, but never allow yourself to become too down about your weaknesses.
Love you all. See you next week, I promise.