I used to feel very self conscious about my writing and held myself back for two main reasons, which I will now share so we can rip off that band aid and I can get back to doing what I know I'm meant to do ...
1 - I am terrible at proofreading. I try, it's just not my thing. I have an Aquarius mercury, which means my thoughts move a lot faster than my fingers. This placement allows me to channel messages from higher realms and make sense of information that most aren't able to decipher, but it doesn't help with grammar or proofreading my writing. Channeling has a sense of urgency to it, so I'm not going to hinder my abilities by over thinking my word use or where I'm putting a comma anymore.
I grew up in a very small, southern town. I did not receive the best elementary education and by the time I went to college, I had so many dual credits (from taking online classes, mind you, not the best way for me to learn) that I was only one class away from junior status, so I skipped out on most of the 101 classes. I haven't had a proper English class ever and it's not something I'm going to apologize for anymore. The way I speak is unique to me and if you judge others solely on grammar, you need to check your privilege. Having better grammar does not necessarily make you smarter and people shouldn't take pride in making others feel bad for that. You just received a better elementary education. Congrats on that leg up and I hope you use that strength to your advantage. I'm personally more focused on getting my messages out and the bigger picture. I also just prefer to be more conversational in my writing. It feels more true to who I am. If you get hung up on grammar, best to get off my site now, because you're in for a headache.
2 - Impostor syndrome. I have always been wise beyond my years. Even in childhood I would predict things before they happened and spewed wisdom that seemingly came out of nowhere. Was also visited by spirits often, which was traumatizing, especially after watching The Sixth Sense. This was often perceived as me being preachy or a know it all. I was mistreated by many adults, especially teachers, but occasionally peers too just for being myself, so I stopped expressing myself fully and avoided engaging with others until I knew they could be trusted with my full personality (also very Aquarian of me). Now I realize that I was channeling. Even reading my old blogs, it's obvious to me now that I was channeling, which is why some days I would be hit with urgent inspiration to write a post and other times writing felt like a chore. I am guided when and what to write from spirit, so trying to keep up a strict schedule of this, because that's what they say you have to do with a blog, was damaging to my creative flow. I want to write when I feel inspired and like I have an important message to share, not because it's Wednesday and I have to get something out.
For a long time I felt discomfort and weird for preaching my philosophies at people when I really am just a normal person with many flaws of my own. I don't take half of my advice either. I felt like I needed to be this perfect person to help others or I would be a hypocrite. That somehow being human and making mistakes took away from my message so I should just stop until I reached this perfect version of myself that made no mistakes. That is the true reason I stopped my blog. I felt like my personal life was so fucked up. I had such poor self-esteem, struggled financially, didn't know what I really wanted to do with my life and was stuck in a very toxic relationship, so what gave me the right to tell people to be their best selves when I wasn't being my best self. I was good at faking that everything was okay, but deep down I knew I was in a bad place and it felt icky pretending to be this person that had it all together. I instinctively knew I had some more growing to do and needed more life experience to continue my blog, but I caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety by being so mean to myself about it.
I now know with confidence that I pick up on messages from spirit and that means I don't have to be perfect to relay this information to others. My talent lies in my ability to recognize the wounds of others and convey messages for them from my guides and other spirits. I'm just the messenger. Discrediting the message because it's coming from a human with flaws is silly. The universe communicates with us in many ways. If people aren't ready to hear what spirit has guided me to say to them, then that's fine, but I have planted a seed that will grow. One day they'll hear those words again in another way and it will finally stick. This happens to me all the time too. Sometimes we have to be beat over the head with a certain message before it really sinks in. It's just a karmic lesson. We move on from it when we can finally grasp what we needed to learn. That's the reason you're here on earth in the first place.
We are all just tools of the universe, here to push each other in the right direction, in a way. I've learned to not take it personally when someone is triggered by my words. Triggers are there to reveal a wound that needs to be healed. It's an ego response to attack the person that triggered us rather than to examine the true cause of that pain. When we aren't doing the inner work, the universe will intentionally poke all of our buttons until we get so fed up we have no choice but to do the work. I've accepted that as a healer and channeler, it will be my role in many people's lives to be the one that unintentionally pokes those wounds. You can't heal if you're still hiding from yourself, after all, and my presence can trigger the demons in others. It's just a natural response to experiencing a person that is in a high vibration. It feels irritating when you're low. I've been there too, as have all humans. This is not to say you have a right to intentionally trigger others, that is abuse and will usher in more karmic lessons that you don't want. Always do your best to come from a place of good intent when interacting with others.
And please know it is never my intention to ever make anyone feel like I think I'm superior because I have spiritual wisdom. I have many flaws that I'm very honest about when you get to know me, channeling is just my personal gift and I don't want to deprive the world of that because I'm afraid of how others may perceive me anymore. The way you view others is more of a reflection of how you feel about yourself anyway, so if you're triggered by someone, consider what about that person or their message is causing this discomfort. This is a clue to what you need to heal in order to evolve. Try to see these insecurities as an invitation to get to know yourself deeper and graduate to your next level. Should you chose that adventure is entirely up to you, but I can guarantee you'll be glad you did.
With all of that said, I'm excited to write again. I'm working on a post about how fate and free will both exist at the same time and how to manipulate your energy for the best results. Look out for that soon! As always, lots of love to everyone. Feels good to be back.